I have been kind of quiet on here lately. I have been quite busy and have not had very much time to myself. I feel like I need a break but it will have to wait until after the holidays. It seems that there is just too much to do and not enough time to complete it all.

I haven't been doing so well with my nutrition lately. I am going to the gym and working out lots, like usual, but I have been giving in to too many temptations in the past few weeks and not preparing healthy food ahead of time. My weight has stayed about the same, fluctuating within a pound or so. I had wanted to get another 5 lbs off so that my New Year's dress would fit a bit better, but it does not look like that I going to happen.

I really want to be at my goal weight but it seems that when the temptations cross my path, I forget that I have a goal...or maybe I want the temptation more than I want my goal at the time. It could also be more of an emotional thing. I used to be an emotional eater and I thought that I had changed that about myself. I guess I still need to work at it.

Right now I am very tired physically and emotionally and I want to eat all sugary and salty things. Thank goodness I don't have anything in the house that is full of sugar or salt because I would eat it all right now and I am too tired to drive to the store to get it.

I was so tired physically after the gym that I actually had a nap! I don't have naps anymore. It is so unlike me to be so tired. I think my body is telling me that it needs a rest. I will have a hard time getting to the gym over the next week or so because of my work schedule and that may be a good thing. Hopefully, it will give my body the rest it needs.

I also find myself really emotional today. I was doing the dishes and thinking about how I changed my life in a positive way and I teared up. I was wondering how my life would be right now if I had not worked on getting healthier. I definately would not be as happy as I am now. Then, I had feelings of being very selfish. I am spending a lot of time and money on going to the gym and buying new clothes and how a lot of attention has been put on me and my weight and I began to wonder if I am missing things that are going on in Brandon and Joey's life. I must take the time to talk to them about this. I was also thinking how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and son.

I know what it is that I need to do to get my nutrition back on track, I just don't seem to be doing it. I need to start making better decisions. I am hoping that the New Year will bring my drive and determination to reach my goal back to me.

My Personal Mission Statement

I am reposting my mission statement to keep it where others can find it easily. I read it from time to time to make sure that I am living by it. So, here it is...

I will cherish every sunrise, embrace and see each day as not just another day, but one filled with opportunity and excitement.

I will live each day with courage and a belief in myself and others.

I will live by the values of integrity, honesty, respect, freedom of choice and a love of all God's people.

I will treasure my family.

I will live each day with respect for myself and others, facing life's challenges as they come and learning from my mistakes in order to become a stronger person.

I pledge my respect to my employers and I will strive every day to earn their respect.

I will keep my mind and body healthy and strong.

I will enrich my life and the lives of all who cross my path or share my hearth, by caring, by affirming their unique worth in love, by giving what I have to give and by accepting what they have to give me.

I will be known by my family as a caring and loving wife and mother; by my coworkers as a hardworking and honest person; and by my friends as someone they can count on and trust.

I will help others as best I can and I will thank those who help me along the way.

I will behave in a manner so as to become a light, not a roadblock, for others who chose to follow or lead me.

I will show love rather than expect love.

I will continue to grow personally and professionally by stimulating my mind with new learning.

I will strive to be happy.

I received a comment on one of my posts from a cousin who lives in The Netherlands. In the commet she shared with me some words that were on a card that my grandmother sent to her grandmother. I wanted to make sure that everyone gets to read this so I figured that I would post it here. So here it is;

The Bright Side

Look at life with eyes that see the good and not the bad.

Cherish in your memory the glad times, not the sad.

Walk in the direction of the blue sky, not the grey.

Choose the bright side of the road where sunshine lights the way.

It is nice to see that alot of people are going to my blog through The Casket website. Blogspot tracks how people are getting to my blog so I can see if people are typing in the web address, clicking on the link which is on The Casket website, or going through facebook.

The numbers are going like this:
The Casket - 242
www.lettinggo1974.blogspot.com - 240
Facebook - 7

In my last two posts I told you that you can find my old and new favorite songs on YouTube. If you click on the post title (in blue) it will take you to YouTube and to the song that I am talking about in the post.

Flashdance...What a Feeling

In my last post I told you about my OLD favorite song. Now I am going to tell you about my NEW favorite song. It is What a Feeling from the movie Flashdance.

I will tell you why I like it after I type the words to the song. You can find the song on YouTube if you would like to listen to it. When I am at the gym I listen to the remixed version which is really high energy and it really gets me moving and inspired me to work harder.

What A Feeling

First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream

That you fear seems to hide deep inside your mind

All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride

In a world made of steel, made of stone

Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm

Wrap around, take a hold of my heart

What a feeling, bein's believin'

I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life

Take your passion, and make it happen

Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm

In a flash it takes hold of my heart

What a feeling, bein's believin'

I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life

Take your passion, and make it happen

Pictures come alive, now I'm dancing through my life

What feeling

What a feeling (I am music now), bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)

Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

What a feeling (I can really have it all)

What a feeling (Pictures come alive when I call)

Ica have it all (I can really have it all)

Have it all (Pictures come alive when I call)

(call, call, call, call, what a feeling) I can have it all

(Bein's believin') bein's believin'

(Take your passion, make it happen) make it happen

(What a feeling) what a feeling...

I don't know if I will do a good job of describing why I like this song so much, but I will give it my best shot.

We all have dreams that we really want to see come true but most of us are too scared to even try to reach for our dreams for fear of failure so we keep our dreams just as that, a dream...at least that is what I did. Also, I felt that I was not worthy of seeing my dreams come true. I felt I couldn't have all that I wanted because I wasn't good enough. If you have been reading all along, you will know that I had a desire to help people and wanted to become and LPN for many, many years. It was a dream of mine that I talked about but didn't think it would ever come true for many different reasons.

But, in my search for happiness, I decided to take what I was really passionate about and make it happen...which is when I went to LPN school.

I really enjoy listening to music and love to dance (I suck at it but that is not the point). They both make me happy. People that dance always look so happy while they are dancing and they are having fun. I really feel that I am dancing through my life now instead of just letting the days pass by.

I feel that in the song, music represents all that is good in life. Now I do hear the music (all the good, positive things in life). Before, I always focused on the negative things in life and all the bad things that could happen to me and my family. I really feel that a positive attitude has made all the difference in my world. Now I concentrate on the positive things in life and deal with the negative things that happen with a positive attitude. I really feel that all my dreams can come true and I can have it all and I am not afraid to go for it anymore.

The song really goes deeper than that for me...but I just can't put it into words. Hopefully, you get the idea of why I like this song so much and why I consider it my new "theme" song.

I've Never Been To Me

The title of this post is the name of a song that used to be one of my favorites. The song is I've Never Been To Me by Charlene. You can hear it on YouTube by searching for the song or clicking on the link at the top of the page (if it works the way it is supposed to).

I still really like the song but it reminds me of my past so I think of it as one of my OLD favorites. I will tell you about my new favorite song later or maybe tomorrow.

Here are the lyrics to the song and after you read the lyrics, I will tell you why it was one of my favorites.

I've Never Been To Me by Charlene

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life

You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife

I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do

But, I wish someone had talked to me

Like I wanna talk to you...

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run

I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun

But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free

I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away

'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today

I can see so much of me still living in your eyes

Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies...

Oh, I've been to Neice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht

I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got

I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Hey, you know what paradise is?

It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be

But you know what truth is?

It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning

The same one you're going to make love with tonight

That's truth, that's love...

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete

But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet

I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs to much to be free

Hey lady...

I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)

But I've never been to me

There is a lot of the song that does not apply to my life but the biggest part that I feel applied to my life is what the title says...I've never been to me.

I have done alot of things in my life with playing sports. I have travelled to almost every province in Canada. I have been to The Netherlands and France on vacation. I have had supportive parents and friends and really can't complain about the many opportunities that I have had in my past. But the one thing that I really did not do in my past was figure out who I was. I never really got to know myself (so of course, how could anyone else really get to know me). I don't even really know how to say what I am trying to say here. I knew while I was listening to the song that I really did not know myself and I though of the song as, well, kind of my theme song (if a person can have a theme song). I tried to reflect on the song and thought that maybe I would find the answer to who I was in my reflection, but that really did not work for me.

I really did not figure out who I was until I finished my nursing course, started working and started letting go of many things that have been holding me back all these years. I don't know that I am really finished figuring out who I am...but I do know that I am not going to stop trying to know myself until I have peeled back each and every one of my layers and exposed myself to not only me but everyone else too! I hope you enjoy getting to know me.

I was thinking, if I was asked to describe myself, what words would I use. Here are some that I have come up with...

Honest

Loving

Strong

Hardworking

Loyal

Happy

If I was asked the same question a year ago, I would have used these words...

Sad

Worthless

Dull

Bitter

It is really difficult to type these words and I really don't want to be that person again so I am going to stop thinking of the words and only think about the positive.

In the song the singer, Charlene, talks about paradise. Think about what paradise is to you? Too many people think paradise is having a new beautiful home, a new car, going on vacation to exotic places, having all the brand name clothes and a lot of other STUFF.

To me, paradise is a place where I am happy. All I need to be happy is to love myself and be surrounded by family and friends that love me and accept me for who I am. You know what the best thing is...I am living in my paradise! I hope you are too.

So for those of you who don't know, today (well yesterday because it is after midnight, Dec 13) is my birthday. I have to say that the last birthday that I have looked forward to was my 19th birthday, until this one. I was excited to turn 19 because I could get into the liquor store and I felt that it meant that I was an adult. Since my 19th birthday I have not looked forward to having a birthday.

When I turned 30, I told my mother and my husband that I did not want a suprise birthday party like my mother had for my sister. I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was getting older and turning 30. Thirty seemed so old for someone that really did not know who she was. Who wants to turn another year older when they are not happy with where they are in their life and feeling that they have not grown as a person since the last birthday they had?

This year is different because I feel that I am in a good place with my life. I am taking charge of my life instead of just watching the days go by. I am finally living my life. I feel that I am finally a good person because I am helping people and I am happy. It dosen't matter how old I am as long as I am happy.

The past year of my life has left me with many changes and I feel that they are all for the better. I can't wait to see what the next year of my life brings me.

In other news, I finally have a New Year's dress! YIPPEE!! I picked up the dress that I ordered from Sears and I LOVE IT! It is a pinkish-purple color and is made of satin. It is a one-shoulder dress that falls just above the knees. Now I need to find some jewellery and get my hair cut. This dress calls for either an up-do or a shorter hairstyle. Since I am not very good with hairstyles, I may just get my hair cut shorter. I really have to watch what I eat over Christmas because there is not extra room in my dress. I would actually like to get at least 5 lbs off before then so I really have to watch myself until then.

Oh, I am looking for a polar bear dip to do on New Year's Day. Let me know if you hear of one anywhere in Antigonish County.


done anything with their life.When my 20th birthday came around, I was not really excited because I just felt that I was getting older.

Yesterday in my personal training session I had my cardio retested. on the bike. The scores so something like this: very low, low, below average, average and so on. When I first started at the gym I scored very low on my cardio. A few months ago, I was tested again and I was still very low but my score was alittle higher. Yesterday, I scored AVERAGE! YIPPEE!! I was so happy to be average that I almost did a dance in the middle of the gym but I decided to save my dancing for New Year's Eve.

Last night I had a Jockey Clothing Party at my mother's house. It was so awesome and fun! Only a few people showed up but that left us lots of time to try on ALL of the clothing and really play around with it. I really love all of their clothing. It is so comfortable and versatile. I really wanted to buy it all. I got some awesome deals for hosting the party. I tried on one of the pairs of pants and I fit into a small. I haven't worn anythig that was a small in a long time and some of the other items I wore a medium. I will be having another one in the spring and I can't wait to see the spring catalogue. You really should come to the party in the spring I bet you will love the clothing too.

New Years Eve Dress Shopping

If you read my post earlier today, you will know that I was in Halifax taking part in the Santa Shuffle Run. I also went to Halifax so that I could go dress shopping. Now, I am not the "dress wearing kind of gal", or at least I never used to be. Since I have let go of 115 lbs, I can't wait to get dressed up and go dancing and what better time to do that than New Years Eve.

I was actually excited to go shopping for a "fancy" dress. I have been shopping in plus size stores for so long now that I am nervous to go shopping anywhere other than Addition-Elle or Penningtons because I don't know how the sizes run or where to shop. I asked around for some places to go dress shopping and I was told of a few places in Dartmouth Crossing and Mic Mac Mall. I was quite excited at the idea of going into a store that was not a plus size store and being able to try stuff on. Most things that I have been wearing lately are xl or large so I thought that I would have no problems finding something.

I started off my search in Dartmouth Crossing on Friday night. I went to a store called Laura. I was told that they have lots of nice dresses in petite, tall, regular and even plus sizes. I thought for sure I would find the perfect dress there. I walked around and almost immediately found the dress that I had been looking for. I was looking for a dress that was colorful, had some sparkles, and was knee length. The dress that I found was a pretty purple and had a band of gems just below the bust line. I looked at the sizes and there was nothing that would fit me. I was a little disappointed but it would have been too easy to find the perfect dress right away. I walked around the store and saw some cute dresses but nothing that would fit me. I was getting a little disappointed but was not ready to give up yet.

I decided to turn to the plus size section and saw a beautiful dress. It was black and floor length but it was absolutely beautiful. The price was expensive so I decided not to try it on but Joey told me to try it on anyway. I tried it on and loved it! It was a little too big (size 16) but not so big that I could not wear it. It was so comfortable and actually looked good on me. I reluctantly took it off because it was too expensive to even consider buying to wear it only one time. Also it was black, floor length and really elegant and I was looking for something more fun. Joey brought me some more dresses that were shorter. Some were black, navy, purple and other colors. One of the dresses fit really well and looked good on me but it was not what I was looking for. It was black and did not have the sparkle that I was looking for. It was too "Plain Jane" and looked like something an old lady would wear. Another dress was really nice and fit well, but it had this queer thing on the front it was kind of straps that looked more like a neclace and attached to the dress at the bust. I thought about cutting the straps off and resewing them to make them actual straps. But I figure that the perfect dress has got to be out there, somewhere. The stores in Dartmouth crossing were closing at this time, it was 9:00pm so I had to abandon the dress shopping for the night and start again after the run in the morning.

The next day morning I did the run and then resumed the dress shopping with Joey, Brian and Alix. We went to Mic Mac Mall to check The Bay and there was nothing there. Well, there was one dress that was there, but it was a size 4. Yeah, not going to happen! We checked out some other stores and did not find anything. Then we went to Addition-Elle. I figured I can still fit into their clothes so I might as well look. They did not have very much for selection. There were some old lady dresses so I didn't even try anything on there. We walked around the mall some more and came to Le Chateau (I think that is what it is called). I found LOTS of dresses that I liked. They were the right length, nice colors, and had the look that I was looking for. I took one to try it on for size and I was disappointed. The largest size they have is XL. I tried it on and could not get it zipped up all the way. With Joey's help I could have zipped it up but I would have been too uncomfortable in it because it really was too small...but only by a little bit.

We went back to Dartmouth Crossing to go to the larger Addition-Elle to see what they have. I tried on one dress but it was not a New Years Eve dress. It was a nice dress to wear to a wedding or something like that, but not to wear on New Years Eve. We decided to go back to Laura to see if we could find the purple dress with the queer neck thing. Unfortunately, we could not find it , but the nice elegant black one was still there. It still fit really well and it was still way to expensive even with the No Tax sale that was going on. If I am in Halifax before New Years I may check to see if it is on sale. I would buy it if it was 50% off so I am hoping that it will go on sale and no one will buy it.

Buy this time I was getting frustrated. I was tired and my feet were sore and it was too late in the day to go to the gym. Now if I had found a dress it would have been worth missing the gym, but I didn't find a dress AND I didn't get to the gym. I was really disappointed. I thought that shopping for a dress was going to be fun, but it made me realize that I am not as small as I think I am. I am still a plus size girl and I still have a way to go when it comes to being able to walk into a store and find something I like that fits me. I know that I have come along way in a short amount of time but I so badly want to be at my goal and it can't come soon enough. I was alittle down over the dress shopping thing for the rest of the weekend. I was not able to get to the gym today either so I am disappointed over that too.

I started looking online at some dresses and I found 2 at sears that I like. I ordered both in two different sizes. Of the dresses that I tried on in Halifax, the ones that were size 14 fit me best. The dresses that I ordered at sears said that they were a "snug" fit so I thought that I should order them at least 1 size larger than I needed. So I orderd a pink one in size 16 and a blue one in size 18. I am planning to return one of them. I really hope the pink one fits well because I like it the best. I can always order it in a larger or smaller size if I need to. It will be in on Wednesday and I will be able to pick it up on Friday so stay tuned to see if it fits. Cross your fingers and toes for me, please!

5 km Santa Shuffle

I am back home from my trip to Halifax. Joey and I went up on Friday evening as we were doing the Santa Shuffle 5 km run on Saturday morning.

My goal for the run was to run it in under 36 minutes. If you remember, the last run I did was on Thanksgiving weekend and I ran the 5 k in 38:51. I wasn't sure how I was going to do since I had only run once since the last run and my knees have been bothering me too. I like having goals that make me push myself and I was really hoping that 36 minutes was going to be doable.
When I run, I stomp so I had been working on walking heel to toe on the treadmill and I also take short steps so I was also working on lengthing my stride on one of the eliptical machines at the gym.

It was a cold drizzly morning and it was hard to get warmed-up, but I did the best I could. The run began at 10am. It was a gun start with no chip timing so you had to watch for your time when you crossed the finish line. The run was in Shearwater and started in the parking lot and then went down some residential streets. I made it through the parking lot at a really good pace and then hit the residential streets and looked up to see a long hill. I thought that this must be the only one so it is good to get it over with...but I was wrong! I made it to the top of the hill (it kicked my ass, by the way) and then enjoyed the nice down hill section and finished the first km in about 7 mins and 30 secs. I was kind of disappointed with that but I kept going and I knew that I was going to have to work hard to make up some time. We turned up and down some streets and then came around a corner to a REALLY STEEP HILL! I thought, "what are they trying to do to me?" I made it about half-way up the hill and I had to walk. I really didn't want to walk, but at this point I was just thinking "Make it to the top of the hill anyway you can". At the top of the hill I realized that I had not been controlling my breathing and I think that is why I had such difficulties. So from then on I thought "Control your breathing, don't let it control you" and I kept repeating that to myself.

We made it to the halfway mark and realized that we had to so the exact same course over which meant I had to tackle the same two hills AGAIN! I thought, for just one split second, about giving up. But I knew I would be really disappointed in myself if I gave up, so I kept going. I knew that I had to dig deep and really focus on my breathing, my strides, and running heel to toe. I kept telling myself "Control your breathing, don't let it control you. I am strong, I can do this." I did walk the hills and was overjoyed when we made it back to the parking lot and could see the finish line. I crossed the finish line. My time was 34:45.

Over all, I was really happy with my time. It would have been nice to run the whole course, but I am still happy with how I did. When I got back to the truck I was talking to Joey and he said that I should do a 10k next. I said no because my ultimate goal for 5k is to run it in under 30 minutes. So I will do the next one in under 32 minutes and from there I will work on doing it in under 30 minutes then maybe I will consider a 10k.

Today's Weight

So I finally broke the "20 to go" mark! My weight today is 218.8 lbs!