Friday, September 17, 2010

My Life at 333.4 lbs

I want to give you a glimpse of what my life was like when I weighed 333.4 lbs. I was a very insecure person who always looked at the negative side of things. My glass was ALWAYS half empty. I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy because I thought I was not a good person. I felt I was not a good person because I was not doing anything to help anyone. I have always had a strong desire to help people but being insecure about myself kept me from taking the steps I needed to take in order to help people in a way which was fulfilling for me.

I felt that I didn't deserve to have such an amazing husband and the best son in the whole entire world. I felt they were too good for me. They both loved me no matter what I looked like and accepted me for who I was even though I did not accept myself.

I felt like I let Joey, my parents and my grandparents ( and everyone else I knew) down when I got pregnant at 19 and I think that was when I started having all these negative feelings about myself. I was never diagnosed, but when I look back, I think I may have been depressed. I never wanted to do anything or go anywhere, especially if there were going to be a lot of people there. I really tried to close myself off.

The biggest thing of all...I didn't love myself!

When you weigh 333.4 lbs, walking is hard. The effort it takes to move one foot forward is more than you would think. I was always uncomfortable because I had such a HUGE belly on felt like I was 9 months pregnant all the time. And yes, I have been asked when I was due. Talk about humuliating. Bending over to tie my shoes and put my socks on was difficult because my belly was always in the way.

Shopping for clothes was never fun...aren't women supposed to LOVE shopping! It was very hard to find clothes that I wanted to wear that looked good on me. The clothes I wanted to wear did not come in sizes that would fit me and the clothes that would fit me looked like something your granny would wear. I usually bought my clothes too big to try and hide what was under them and, of course, that does not look good either.

Going to a restaurant was always a worry...unless I had been there before. If the chairs had arms it would be very uncomfortable because the arms would cut into my legs. I would usually ask for a table because booths were not much fun for me. I would sit with my back against the back of the booth and my belly would touch the table...that was very embarassing for me.

I never enjoyed going to dances because it was hard for me to dance. I would get soo tired physically from just one dance that I would have to sit down. I would watch everyone dancing and having a good time and I would always say to myself "someday I am going to be able to dance like everyone else".

I was scared that if I went on a plane, I would need to buy 2 seats or need the extension for the lap belt. Not fun to even think of.

So that is really just a glimpse of how I felt about myself at 333.4 lbs and some of the physical limitations that I delt with. There is so much more that I could tell you, but it is time to move on and let go of my past feelings.

If you see a person who is as large as I was, just remember that it is hard for them to perform their daily activities. Just getting dressed takes more effort. There is a reason why they are where they are with their weight. Be accepting and supportive of them no matter what.

No comments:

Post a Comment