Mirrors

For the past many years, I have had what I call an aversion to mirrors. I didn't like looking at myself in them and I still don't.

When Joey and I first got married, we did not have a mirror in our bedroom. So, I didn't look at myself when I was getting dressed, I just went by how the clothes felt. Really, the only time I looked at myself was while I was doing my make-up in a tiny 2 inch by 3 inch mirror. It is really hard to see yourself in such a small mirror. When I would go somewhere and see myself, I was like "Is that really me? No it couldn't be!". I didn't enjoy looking in mirrors because I did not like what I saw in them. I had a vision in my head of what I looked like. Each time I looked in the mirror, I was larger than the time before and I didn't look anything like I thought. Inside, I felt pretty good about myself, but that would change when I actually saw what I looked like. It was always quite a shock.

I started feeling really bad about myself when we got a bedroom set which included a mirror. Now there was no excuse to actually know what I looked like. I saw myself EVERY DAY! I actually saw myself getting larger and larger which made me feel worse and worse about myself. No wonder I don't like mirrors now. They have had such a negative meaning to me for so many years.

Now, when I look in the mirror, I still see the 33 lbs that I want to let go of. I really hope that that will change someday and I can see, and enjoy, the progress that I have made. In my head, I know I have come a long way, but I have trouble seeing it. I don't know if that makes sense but our feelings and thoughts don't always make sense.

That being said, inside, I feel like a million bucks. I feel like a tall slim model (realistically, I know I am not) but I really do feel that way. I am looking forward to the day when I can look at myself and see the progress I've made and be happy with how I look. I know I will get there someday. I am always working on it.